Earlier this year while dh'ing an Amtrak engineer showed us a security camera video from the Hamilton station on the NEC....a lady jumped off the platform stood in front of an oncoming Acela probably at a speed of around 100 mph and she just vaporized on impact. I have hear other stories about how the NEC is a magnet for those wishing to kill themselves.
I don't really wonder 'why' any more when it comes ta killing yourself. Nope. I was as close as the nearest set of mainline rails at Interbay. Sat down ta wait. Co-worker, and shift foreman convinced me ta not... They got me ta yak with EAP.
He alerted VAMC that I was on the way in... That was 2003. The black clouds, and the depth of that hole I was in looked impossible ta get out of. My best option then, stop it all. No alternative at that point.
I'm one of the luckiest people who make it out alive. But there are days when it's right there...and I could walk right out to meet it. And lay it on somebody else... When it gets that close, I call the hotline. They'll get me that help...
That's why I'm lucky ta have been helped outa my hole!
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Guy I hit, he wanted to check out. That's how I dealt with it, I don't appreciate his method, I don't appreciate his self-centered, all-about-me attitude, he never gave one thought to me and my BOSS, he just wanted out. I view suicide as a very self-centered thing to do. He's dead and he was the only RR fatality I was ever involved with.
Guess I'm never going to understand that depth of despair, I hope I never do.
It's not easy Cy. That's all I can say. It's not easy ta erase that pain, or ta get out of it, or from under the black clouds... It's like...you're a zombie, and you really want to be dead. Another day of life...is just too much. Ya can't stand living through another day. Perhaps I oversimplify, but that's how I felt. My death was the all important factor.
It really didn't matter who else hadda 'clean up,' or deal with the aftermath. Nope. It was all about escaping the pain. The black hole. The never ending cloud of despair, hopelessness. Helplessness. The suicide is at the end. There is 'no asking for help'!
It's the second most difficult thing to do in life. Asking for help! The first? Recognizing it. That you really need help to pull you out...
The decision to pull the trigger is never easy. I could've blown my brains out, or shot myself with a mixture of lethals...or crashed the car into a bridge abutment, or driven into a lake. But where, and when the impulse hits...is unpredictable.
Reading about 'how to' do it... Trains always comes up. I saw 'em every day at work... Interbay IS the railroad. Easy. Not planned. Just the final time... The 'okay, this will be easy, just do it!' And ya do. It!
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